Business/Algorithmic Anorexia
Kroger’s New AI Can’t Bag Groceries, But It Can Fire 3,000 Humans
Grocery giant to sack 3,000 corporate workers, claiming bullshit algorithms will 'simplify tasks' for the survivors it hasn't fired yet.
Business.
They want your wallet. They’re not asking nicely.
Business/Beta-Testing Betrayal
Student Chat App's Data Plan: First Stop Frankfurt, Final Destination 'Chinese Military Company' List, You Absolute Muppets
ZyMix built its UK campus messaging and payments platform on servers from a Tencent subsidiary. The Pentagon says Tencent is linked to the PLA. ZyMix's response? Erase the evidence from its privacy policy and call it 'performance testing.'
Business/Contemptible Conduct
Pharma-Banned Goblin Shkreli Can't Stop Fondling Stock Tickers
The FTC and seven states want the court to throw the book at the disgraced 'Pharma Bro' for allegedly violating his lifetime ban from the industry by trading drug stocks and running his mouth online.
Business/THE SALT COPS SURRENDER
FDA Quietly Authorizes Mystery Salt in Your Food and Calls It Honesty
A final rule published October 13 lets manufacturers replace some or all added salt in standardized foods with safe and suitable salt substitutes, and the rule does not name a single one. It takes effect December 14, with dairy objections due November 12. The FDA says this promotes honesty and fair dealing in the interest of consumers.
Business/GENITAL ILLITERACY
FDA Tells Herpe Cream Grifters: Your Spelling Is a Public Health Hazard
The agency sent a 'read receipt requested' email to RoyceDerm LLC, stating its unapproved 'Herpes Relief Cream' - promoted with genital-hand photos and a URL that misspells 'herpes' five times - could lead trusting customers to infertility, sepsis, or death.
Business/Security Theater Shit Show
Musk’s Fully-Licensed, Partnered-Up Starlink Service Is Stuck in India’s Endless Security Wank
Elon Musk calls Mukesh Ambani 'Prime Minister' while his licensed, partnered, fully-ready-to-go satellite internet service sits in a security-check purgatory with no timeline, no transparency, and no customers.
Business/Customs-Sized Crib
EU Panics, Decides to Build a Fucking Car Wall
With the sophistication of a toddler guarding a toy box, Brussels announces a quota to cap Chinese hybrid imports at 350,000 per year, a move so pathetically reactive it makes a startled goat look like Sun Tzu.
Business/VISIBLE LIGHT FANTASY
Unilam's UV Meter Was Calibrated for Fucking Rainbows
An FDA warning letter reveals a sunlamp maker's quality system is a fucking joke: they calibrated their UV-measuring device for visible light, had four whole risks in their plan, and requalified fire-damaged gear by wiping it off.
Business/Creative Accounting
Deloitte Helped Fiddle the Books for a Billionaire’s Superyacht Slush Fund
A BBC Panorama investigation finds the global accountancy giant’s Cyprus branch allegedly helped Roman Abramovich hide $672 million in assets via backdated paperwork, because why pay tax when you can just lie?
Business/Diesel Dick-Sucking
Trump's Putin Diesel Deal Is a Pathetic, Useless Drop in the Ocean He Set on Fire
The president's desperate, timed-for-election diesel deal with Putin is a useless trickle of fuel for a fire he lit himself.
Business/Petro-Political Fellatio
Trump Bends Over for Putin, Promises U.S. Will Take His Diesel Load
In a stunning reversal of U.S. sanctions policy, the president announces a deal to slurp up Russian fuel, which experts say is a symbolic gesture that will do fuck-all for prices.
Business/Seasonal Extortion Eases
Costco's Peppermint Bark Is Back and It's a Little Less of a Fucking Rip-Off
After a year of customers howling like they'd been kicked in the candy cane, the warehouse giant drops the price of its holiday treat by four whole dollars.
Business/FRAUD'S COSTUME DEPARTMENT
Fintech Founder Kept Two Sets of Books and Texted an Employee to 'Make It Add to More Than 15m+'
The SEC says Gökçe Güven raised $6.7 million for her startup Kalder by showing investors one set of fake financials while her bookkeeper kept the real ones. She inflated revenue by nearly 400%, counted pilot programs as customers, and has already pleaded guilty to criminal fraud for the same shit.
Business/SAFER THAN A BANK?
Celsius founder who called his crypto 'safer than a bank' gets a permanent ban and a $35 million tab
Letitia James just secured up to $35 million from Alex Mashinsky and permanently barred him from doing business in the securities, commodities, and cryptocurrency industries. The Celsius founder told investors his platform was 'safer than a bank' while their assets were routinely used in high-risk strategies whose losses he concealed. He is serving 12 years in federal prison.
Business/Sefcovic's Half-Cut Cuck Deal
Sefcovic Hails Half-Cut Chinese Hybrid Flood
European Trade Commissioner Maros Sefcovic announced a preliminary agreement after Beijing talks that could slash Chinese hybrid and plug-in hybrid exports to the EU by more than 50 percent over four years while trimming duties on 4.5 billion dollars of European goods.
Business/Presidential Revenge Theater
Trump Establishes New Committee to Fire Fed Official He Already Fired Unconstitutionally
After the Supreme Court told him to fuck off, the president launches a second clown-car tribunal to investigate the same bogus mortgage fraud claims, scheduling a 'public' hearing that's closed to the public.
Business/ZERO EMPLOYEES, 863 BULLSHIT
Webull Swore Zero China Staff to Congress While 863 Ran 62% of the Company
The trading app told the SEC its China ops were limited to R&D and that customer data could never leave the US. A class action says the core platform and data pipelines lived in China, the founder holds 79% voting power from the PRC, and shares cratered 19% once the House committee's findings hit.
Business/FRAUDSTER FLIGHT PATH
This Absolute Cunt Allegedly Turned a Pharmacy Into a Fucking HIV Medication Pawn Shop
Miguel Baron, 62, allegedly paid sick people $150 to fill prescriptions at his Queens stores, bought their pills back for a few hundred, then billed Medicaid thousands for the same bottle. He spent the $31 million on Miami condos, luxury cars, and 2026 World Cup tickets before getting nabbed at LaGuardia trying to flee to Toronto on a one-way ticket.
Business/CAR KEYS HELD HOSTAGE
FTC Sues Florida Kia Cartel for Bait‑Switch Bullshit, Hostage Keys, and Laughing at a Woman Who Believed Their Fake $2,500 Prize
Greenway Automotive advertised cars for thousands less, then added five layers of mandatory fees, held trade‑in keys hostage, and mailed bogus winning scratch‑offs. When a winner showed up, a salesman laughed and said they run this scam in different states all the time. The FTC, after a warning, watched them double down with “ZERO HIDDEN FEES” banners.
Business/LAUNDRY DAY AT AMEX
American Express Spent Eleven Years as a $13 Billion Money Laundromat, Using Its Own Clueless Staff as Wash Assistants
The OCC says American Express, one of the largest card issuers, failed for over a decade to stop $13 billion in suspected trade-based money laundering - sometimes using its own employees' accounts - because its compliance program was a fucking joke.
Business/Monopoly, My Ass
T-Shirt Titans’ Price‑Fixing Scheme Unravels Faster Than a Cheap Hem
Gildan Activewear and S&S Holdings get their exclusivity clause gutted after the FTC probe of Robinson‑Patman Act violations, forcing a contract rewrite.
Business/Cyber-Fashion Fiasco
Asos Hacked, Exposing Millions of Customer Addresses and Their Desperate Search for 'Glamorous Wide Fit' Pants
Hackers got in by pretending to be a buddy, grabbing employee logins, and making off with a trove of personal data and your embarrassing search terms.
Business/MULE MANAGEMENT MIDDLE MANAGER
The World's Shittiest Boss Just Pleaded Guilty to Being a Fucking Grifter
Oleg Korniev, a 42-year-old dual citizen of Ukraine and Russia, ran a criminal enterprise called Your Mule Cashout that used over 15,000 unpaid American mules to launder at least $10 million stolen from U.S. bank accounts, all while managing his crew with performance reviews and HR policies.
Business/Great American Clusterfuck
Microsoft and Adobe Have Their Green Card Applications Suspended, Because They’re Fucking Around
JD Vance, acting like a pissed‑off bouncer at the American Dream club, announced both tech giants are barred from filing permanent‑residency petitions for H‑1B workers.