The facts
Six Flags Entertainment Corporation announced it will install seat belts on the Goliath roller coaster at Six Flags Over Georgia, following the October 12 death of Hassan Jihad Ibn Kariem, 42, of Atlanta. Kariem was ejected from the coaster and died. The company's president and CEO, John Reilly, stated that rides with similar restraints will also receive the safety upgrade. The Goliath coaster remains closed pending investigation by state and local officials. Reilly indicated that eight other roller coasters at five other Six Flags parks in the U.S. and Canada, all manufactured by Bolliger & Mabillard and featuring similar clamshell restraints, have also been temporarily closed. The company has engaged independent engineers to review safety procedures. Witnesses reported seeing Kariem rise from his seat before his ejection. Other theme parks, including SeaWorld Orlando and La Ronde, also temporarily closed coasters with similar restraints.
Our take
What a fucking revelation. After a roller coaster named after a biblical giant literally threw a man to his death, the geniuses at Six Flags have had a safety epiphany: maybe the ride should have seat belts. No shit. It only took a corpse hitting the ground for the company's president, John Reilly, to realize that a ride called Goliath might need more than a fucking clamshell restraint to keep people inside it. What a visionary prick. The sheer, staggering incompetence required to operate a multi-ton steel deathtrap without a basic fucking seat belt is the kind of business acumen that should get you sued into a cardboard box. But no, here's Reilly, probably polishing his fucking CEO of the Year award, announcing a 'safety upgrade' like he's unveiling a new flavor of Dippin' Dots, not admitting his company's ride was a lethal piece of shit.
Let's marvel at the process. Step one: build a coaster. Step two: watch a man get 'ejected' - a beautifully sterile corporate term for 'catapulted into the afterlife.' Step three: scratch your corporate dickhead and think, 'Hmm, witnesses saw him rise from his seat... perhaps we should look into that.' Step four, the real stroke of managerial brilliance: close the murder coaster. And not just that one! Close eight other identical death traps at parks across the continent, because apparently the safety review consisted of one guy in a suit going, 'Oh fuck, we built a bunch of these.' They've 'engaged independent engineers' now, which is what you do when your own team is so catastrophically stupid they forgot the principle that keeps toddlers in high chairs.
This is the amusement park equivalent of a car manufacturer recalling a model after it spontaneously combusts, but only after the first driver burns to a crisp. 'We have determined that fire may be a customer dissatisfaction point,' says the press release from the absolute cunts in charge. The breathtaking gall to call this an 'upgrade' and not a 'desperate, ass-covering retrofit to prevent more wrongful death lawsuits' is the kind of PR bullshit that should come with its own vomit bag. They didn't improve safety; they finally acknowledged its total fucking absence. Every single executive who signed off on operating these coasters without a belt should be personally strapped into the front car for the first test run.
And let's not forget the partners in this shitshow, Bolliger & Mabillard, the manufacturers of these elegant people-launchers. Their legacy is now forever tied to the coaster that needed a funeral to get a seat belt. What's next for their design team? A log flume where the log is made of piranhas? A drop tower that just uses a guillotine? The whole industry is a carnival of clowns, temporarily closing rides like La Ronde and SeaWorld in a pathetic game of 'Oh shit, ours might kill people too.' It's not safety; it's crisis management for cowards who value profits over not turning their customers into sidewalk stains. The only thing more terrifying than the Goliath's drop is the sheer, pants-pissing incompetence of the fuckwits who ran it.
