The facts
California's attorney general, Rob Bonta, announced on Monday that the state will receive a $6 million settlement payment in 23andMe's bankruptcy. This settlement resolves California's legal claims stemming from a 2023 data breach that exposed the genetic and personal information of 6.9 million customers. The breach affected more than 855,000 Californians. California had attempted to block the $305 million sale of 23andMe assets to TTAM Research Institute, a non-profit controlled by 23andMe co-founder Anne Wojcicki. The state argued that the bankruptcy sale violated California's Genetic Information Privacy Act, asserting that consumers had not given express consent for the sale of their data. A US bankruptcy judge ruled against California's objections to the sale. The state subsequently lost an appeal in federal district court and agreed to drop further appeals as part of the $6 million settlement, according to court documents filed on Monday. Bonta stated, "I am proud to fight for the privacy rights of Californians and to deliver this settlement for consumers who put their trust in 23andMe." He also reminded Californians that they can delete their genetic data regardless of ownership. 23andMe had previously agreed to pay $46.75 million to victims of the 2023 data breach as part of its bankruptcy.
Our take
Well, fuck me sideways with a swab. The great privacy warriors of California just got their asses handed to them by a bankrupt DNA kit company, and they're popping champagne over a $6 million consolation prize that's about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Attorney General Rob Bonta is "proud" to have fought for Californians, which in political cunt-speak translates to we got our teeth kicked in by a bankruptcy judge and are now taking the hush money.
Let's get this straight, you absolute bastards. 23andMe took the most intimate data imaginable - the very blueprint of your existence - from 6.9 million suckers, including 855,000 Californians, and then let it get scooped up in a digital breach like loose change falling out of a ripped pocket. Then, while those victims are wondering if their genetic predisposition for heart disease is now on a hacker forum, the company declares bankruptcy. The brilliant solution? Sell the whole shitshow, data and all, for $305 million to a "non-profit" called TTAM Research Institute. And who runs that non-profit? Why, it's 23andMe co-founder Anne Wojcicki! It's the corporate equivalent of setting your own house on fire for the insurance money, then buying the charred remains back at a discount through your cousin's shell company.
California, with its supposedly tough genetic privacy law, stood up and said, Hey, wait a fucking minute, you can't just sell people's DNA without asking! And the U.S. bankruptcy judge looked at the state, looked at the grifters, and basically said, Watch me, dickheads. The state lost. They appealed. They lost again. So they folded like a cheap lawn chair for six million bucks. That's less than nine dollars per breached Californian. Your unique genetic identity, your ancestry, your health risks - all worth less than a fucking combo meal.
Bonta's big closing advice? Consumers can always delete their data. Oh, fantastic! After the company that betrayed your trust has already pawned your genetic code to a shadow entity it controls, you can perform the digital equivalent of closing the barn door after the horse, the cows, and the entire fucking genome have bolted. This isn't a settlement; it's a state-sponsored admission that your privacy is worthless, that corporations can piss all over the law if they're bankrupt enough, and that the people in charge are clowns who will celebrate a participation trophy while the real villains walk away with the loot. What a complete and utter bastardization of justice.
