The facts
Virginia Delegate Tom Garrett, R-Buckingham, is demanding an investigation into how Governor Abigail Spanberger's administration restored voting and jury-service rights to a deceased dog named Biscuit. Biscuit's owner, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed the authenticity of the document to Fox News Digital, stating the dog died about five years ago and was never convicted of a felony or showed interest in voting. Garrett expressed concern about the Commonwealth's exercise of the governor's constitutional powers, questioning the level of review involved. He noted that the administration had stated the Secretary of the Commonwealth would proactively identify and restore rights to eligible individuals. Garrett called for an independent audit of the restoration-of-rights actions, seeking to understand the databases used, safeguards in place, and the number of erroneous restorations issued. The incident occurs as Virginians are set to vote on making voting-rights restoration automatic upon release from incarceration.
Our take
Well, shit. It turns out the only thing standing between a corpse and a ballot in Virginia is a pulse, and even that’s apparently negotiable. Governor Abigail Spanberger’s vaunted rights-restoration machine, which promised to 'proactively identify' the worthy, has instead identified a dead fucking dog. Biscuit the beagle-hound mix, deceased for half a decade and with a clean record of never committing felony voter fraud, is now officially more rehabilitated than some living humans. What an inspiring comeback story. From chasing squirrels to chasing suffrage, all thanks to the diligent public servants who clearly run their databases through a fucking woodchipper before hitting 'send.' Delegate Tom Garrett, a Republican, is now calling for an investigation, which is the political equivalent of pointing at a burning dumpster and asking, 'Hey, should someone check on that?' The real question isn’t how this happened; it’s how many other deceased pets, fictional characters, and kitchen appliances are currently registered for jury duty in the Commonwealth. The administration’ stated safeguard was apparently just crossing their fingers and hoping the 'eligible individuals' weren’t a) animals, or b) fucking dead. This isn't a minor clerical error; it’s a catastrophic, pants-on-head stupid failure of basic competence. It makes the previous controversy - restoring rights to a convict with no surname - look like a fucking masterclass in bureaucratic precision. At least that guy had a first name. Biscuit didn’t even have a heartbeat. This is the hall-of-fame-level fuck-up that should get everyone involved publicly fitted for a clown suit. While Virginians consider making rights restoration automatic, perhaps they should first make it fucking manual, and require applicants to prove they are, at minimum, a living member of the species Homo sapiens. Or maybe just hire a fucking intern who knows what a dog is. Governor Spanberger’s office has now set the bar for civic engagement so low that a bag of ashes with a collar could clear it. Good luck at the polls, everyone. Watch out for the poodle bloc; they’re swing voters. This is what happens when you treat the sacred power of clemency like a bulk email blast. It’s a disgrace, it’s embarrassing, and it proves the whole system is being run by absolute cunts.
