The facts
Glucagon-like peptide-1 receptor agonists, commonly known by brand names like Ozempic, Wegovy, and Zepbound, have surged in popularity, with an estimated one in eight Americans now using them. Initially developed to regulate blood sugar for diabetes, these drugs have shown significant success in weight loss, with some patients losing up to a quarter of their body weight. Researchers discovered the GLP-1 hormone decades ago, and its similarity to a molecule found in Gila monster venom led to the development of the first GLP-1 drug approved by the FDA in 2005 for diabetes. The first GLP-1 specifically for weight loss was approved in 2014. Beyond weight management, scientists are researching potential uses for GLP-1s in treating conditions such as cancer, sleep apnea, addiction, liver disease, long COVID, arthritis, and irritable bowel syndrome. However, the rapid expansion of GLP-1 use is accompanied by questions and skepticism. Up to three-quarters of patients stop taking the drugs within a year, often regaining lost weight. Side effects like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea are common, and there are rare reports of eye damage. Thousands of lawsuits have been filed against drugmakers, alleging failure to adequately warn about risks. The high cost of these medications, sometimes exceeding $1,000 per month without insurance, presents a significant barrier to access, though government programs aim to reduce costs. The long-term economic and societal impacts of a potential $200 billion global GLP-1 industry by 2030 are also under consideration.
Our take
What a perfect fucking metaphor for American health care: we’re now mass-injecting ourselves with a hormone we ripped off from a fucking desert lizard because it makes us skinny, then puking our guts out and going bankrupt for the privilege. The GLP-1 gold rush is the most grotesque, hilarious grift since the opioid crisis, only this time the pushers are wearing lab coats and the customers are desperate for a thigh gap.
Let’s be clear: these drugs are a medical miracle for some, and an absolute financial and gastrointestinal nightmare for everyone else. ‘One in eight Americans’ is on this shit? That’s not a public health victory, that’s a testament to how deeply this vanity-industrial complex has its claws in our collective ass. The drug companies discovered lizard-spit-adjacent chemistry decades ago, sat on it until they realized they could market it to every insecure dickhead with a scale and a credit card, and now they’re printing money while patients barf into their toilets and sue them for fucking up their eyes.
The side effects read like a medieval plague scroll: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea. And the best part? Up to three-quarters of these brave pioneers quit within a year, presumably because shitting yourself thin gets old fast, and then they gain all the weight back. So the whole cycle is a perfect, beautiful scam: sell hope, deliver misery, ensure repeat business when the hope wears off and the fat comes back. It’s the subscription model for human flesh.
And the cost! A cool grand a month to not eat and hate your life. The only thing more inflated than the price tag is the industry’s own fucking projection of a $200 billion global market by 2030. They’re not just selling a drug; they’re selling a new societal tier where the rich get to be thin and miserable while the poor get to be fat and priced out of misery. They’re now ‘researching’ uses for everything from addiction to long COVID, which is Pharma-speak for ‘We’ve got this cash cow and we’re gonna juice it for every possible condition until the lawsuits outnumber the prescriptions.’
So congratulations, America. We’ve outsourced our willpower to lizard venom, our health to corporate cunts who see us as walking pin cushions for profit, and our dignity to the toilet bowl. It’s not medicine; it’s a mass delusion sold by billion-dollar pricks, and we’re all lining up to get stabbed. What a time to be alive, and violently ill.
