The facts
Police in Cologne, Germany, are investigating an incident involving a humanoid robot that allegedly touched a 16-year-old girl's buttocks and made sexually suggestive gestures. The robot, reportedly controlled by two teenage males and livestreamed online, has been confiscated. A police spokesperson stated they were unaware of this phenomenon, calling it "new territory." This incident follows concerns about other technologies being used for harassment, such as Meta's smartglasses, which have been used by 'manfluencers' to record and upload footage of women in public spaces without their consent. The article also references the abuse of Flock license plate tracking systems by law enforcement and the creation of deepfake pornography. The author posits that as humanoid robots become more accessible, incidents like the one in Cologne may become more common, drawing parallels to the ubiquity of online harassment. Bank of America predicts mass adoption of humanoid robots from 2035 onwards, potentially replacing a significant portion of the workforce.
Our take
Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: the future of crime is here, and it’s being piloted by two teenage pricks with the bravery of a wet napkin and the innovation of a dog turd on a sidewalk. Cologne police are investigating what they call "new territory," which is just a polite way of saying they’ve stumbled upon the world’s most pathetic fucking sex crime. A humanoid robot, controlled by two little bastards hiding behind a screen, allegedly touched a 16-year-old girl’s ass and made some gestures. Not satisfied with just being creepy fucks, they had to livestream their masterpiece of cowardice, turning a potential misdemeanor into a globally shareable exhibit of their own microscopic balls.
This isn’t "new territory." This is the same old swamp of human shittiness, but now the lurking predators have outsourced their groping to a fucking appliance. The robot didn’t wake up with deviant urges; it was a metal puppet for two dickheads who were too scared to leave their own fingerprints on the crime. They used a machine as a prosthetic dick, a remote-control pervert extension cord, because the idea of actually facing another human being with their own pathetic bodies was too much to bear. The police spokesman’s confusion is the only genuine thing in this story - everyone else is just playing with expensive toys to act out the most boring, cowardly fantasy imaginable.
Think about the logistics of this failure. These cunts had to acquire or build a humanoid robot, which isn’t a fucking toaster, then figure out how to control it remotely, then take it out in public, then maneuver its clumsy metal hands onto a stranger, all while broadcasting the whole sad endeavor online. That’s a staggering amount of effort to avoid the simple, honest experience of getting your ass kicked for being a handsy piece of shit. It’s like using a satellite and a robotic arm to steal a single candy bar - the technical achievement only highlights the breathtaking poverty of your ambition and character.
And this is the harbinger of our glorious automated future, according to the geniuses who predict this shit. Not robots doing hard labor, but robots serving as fuck-off shields for spineless pricks who want to harass people without the risk of a slap. We’re not heading toward a utopia of leisure; we’re building a world where every emotionally stunted asshole can deploy a clanking, expressionless proxy to be a cunt on their behalf. The machine gets confiscated, the livestream serves as a perfect confession, and the operators get to sit in their rooms, probably whining about how unfair it is that their expensive toy got taken. Fuck your robot, fuck your livestream, and fuck the two cowardly bastards who thought this was a good idea. The only thing you’ve automated is the process of proving you’re a worthless piece of shit.
