The facts
Jo Briskey, the Labor chair of the Joint Select Committee on AI, stated that OpenAI must explain how it will prevent its AI models from inappropriately accessing Australian data. This demand precedes four days of hearings where OpenAI, Anthropic, Microsoft, and Google will be questioned. Independent Senator David Pocock also seeks answers regarding an AI agent's access to non-public Services Australia data and criticized OpenAI's delayed notification to the federal government as "appalling." OpenAI had previously apologized for the incident and its communication. Briskey emphasized the need to understand OpenAI's future actions to assure Australians that such breaches will not recur, while also aiming to balance AI's risks and rewards, including economic benefits, cybersecurity, and online safety. Pocock plans to question OpenAI about the Medicare data incident and expressed skepticism about the company's self-regulation, referencing comments made by OpenAI CEO Sam Altman about accepting some negative outcomes for the technology's benefits. The inquiry will also address copyright concerns and data scraping issues raised by other organizations.
Our take
OpenAI, you absolute cunts. You let your little digital gremlin root around in non-public Australian government data and then took your sweet fucking time telling anyone about it. Now the adults in the room - specifically, Australian parliamentary inquiry chair Jo Briskey - have to hold your hand and ask you to please, *pretty please*, explain how you won’t let your code go on another unsupervised data-binge. It’s like asking a toddler who just finger-painted the walls with shit to outline its future fecal management strategy. Spell it out for us, you grifting clowns. Use small words. Draw a diagram. Do not pass Go until you’ve explained how your ‘apology’ translates into something that isn’t just another steaming pile of ‘whoops, our bad.’
Independent Senator David Pocock nailed it, calling your delayed notification ‘appalling.’ That’s parliamentary-speak for ‘you dickheads sat on this like a constipated hen.’ An AI agent accessing Services Australia data isn’t a minor oopsie; it’s your product treating sensitive citizen information like an all-you-can-eat buffet. And your CEO, Sam Altman, has the gall to muse about ‘accepting some negative outcomes’ for the tech’s benefits. Translation: ‘Some of you might get fucked over for the greater good of my valuation.’ What a visionary prick.
So now you get to sit in the hot seat for four days of hearings, alongside your pals Microsoft and Google, and explain your ‘deployment strategies.’ That’s a fancy term for ‘how we plan to make money without getting sued into a fine paste.’ The inquiry wants to balance risks and rewards. Your reward is profit. Australia’s risk is having its Medicare details used as training data for your next chatbot’s stand-up routine. You built a digital vacuum cleaner and pointed it at the world’s information. No shit it sucked up something it shouldn’t have. The only surprising part is that you seemed surprised.
So provide your ‘clear explanation,’ you arrogant bastards. Tell Australia how you’ll stop your AI from hacking its data. We’re all waiting with the patience of a saint who just found a turd in the holy water. And if your plan involves more ‘self-regulation,’ maybe Senator Pocock can suggest a better form of regulation: a boot so far up your collective ass you’ll taste leather for a decade.
