The facts
Ministry of Defence officials privately concluded that Cambridgeshire police should not have transferred the investigation of U.S. Air Force Capt Jacob Wulfson to U.S. military police, according to documents obtained by The Guardian. Wulfson was accused of sexually assaulting Sarah Steele and later convicted by a U.S. court-martial of strangling an intimate partner, though acquitted of sexual assault. MoD officials stated that the agreement governing U.S. forces in Britain grants UK police primary investigative authority, with limited exceptions that they believed did not apply in this case. The Guardian reported that MoD officials believed the decision was a breach of a long-established agreement. Cambridgeshire police are reviewing the case and remain engaged with the victim. A cross-departmental inquiry has been established to examine police transfers of serious-crime investigations involving U.S. personnel.
Our take
Cambridgeshire police aren’t just useless cunts - they’re actively servile little pissants who treat a serious sexual assault allegation like a diplomatic courtesy. Their first instinct when a U.S. Air Force captain is accused of a crime on their own soil isn’t to do their fucking job, it’s to ask the suspect’s own military buddies if they’d like to handle the paperwork. It’s like catching someone shitting in your living room and then handing them the mop and bucket because they’re wearing a nicer uniform. The MoD’s private papers spell it out: the rules clearly put UK police in charge, with only tiny exceptions that these spineless fucks decided didn’t apply. So they just invented a new one: the ‘We’re Too Scared of the Americans’ clause. They bent the entire agreement over a barrel so they wouldn’t have to confront the big, scary U.S. military. What a pack of grovelling dickheads. The result was as predictable as a shit sandwich: the accused captain’s own colleagues took over, and surprise-fucking-surprise, he was later acquitted of the UK sexual assault charge. He was convicted in a U.S. court-martial for strangling a different partner, which is like being busted for arson after the local cops let your pyromaniac dad investigate a house fire. Now these jurisdictional cowards are ‘reviewing’ the case and have launched a ‘cross-departmental inquiry,’ which is bureaucrat-speak for a circle-jerk where everyone agrees they fucked up but nobody’s balls drop. They claim to be ‘engaged with the victim,’ which probably means they sent her a link to the committee’s terms of reference and a voucher for a stiff drink. The whole rancid episode is a masterclass in institutional cowardice, where protecting a ‘special relationship’ means treating an alleged victim’s trauma like a hot potato you toss to the suspect’s own team. They didn’t just fail Sarah Steele; they rolled out a red carpet for her accused attacker’s mates to sweep the whole thing under a star-spangled rug. Absolute fucking clowns. The only thing they’ve investigated thoroughly is the depth of their own sycophancy. Fuck them, fuck their inquiry, and fuck anyone who thinks this is how you police anything but a fucking tea party.
