The facts
Burnley has appointed former Switzerland midfielder Fabio Celestini as their new head coach, four days after sacking Nicky Hayen. The club, which has won only one of its 12 league games this season following relegation from the Premier League, has not disclosed the length of Celestini’s contract. In a statement, Burnley said the 50-year-old 'arrives with a proven capacity to win and to adapt to different football environments.' Celestini's last managerial role was at CSKA Moscow, which he left in May. He previously managed Swiss clubs Lugano, Luzern, Sion, and Basel, leading the latter to a league and cup double. Celestini's first match in charge will be Saturday's home game against Portsmouth. Club chief football officer Diego López said: 'Fabio brings the passion, experience and knowledge we were looking for. He showed extraordinary determination and conviction to come to Burnley. We want people who truly want to be here and help this club grow. Fabio is a clear example of that.'
Our take
Burnley, you absolute fucking cunts. You’re 22nd in the Championship, a league so dire it makes the Premier League look like a ballet, and your big-brain solution is to appoint Fabio Celestini. Who? Exactly. This is the footballing equivalent of trying to put out a house fire by pissing on it from a passing hot air balloon. His last job was at CSKA Moscow, which he left in May, presumably because even the Russian league looked at Burnley’s squad and thought, ‘Nah, too much of a fucking mess.’ Now he’s your saviour. Brilliant. The club statement wanks itself silly over his ‘proven capacity to win,’ which is hilarious because his proven capacity lately has been to fuck off from clubs. He won a double with Basel, sure, but that was in Switzerland, a country whose biggest sporting rivalry is between two brands of fucking muesli. Adapting to different football environments? He’s going from Moscow to a rainy Tuesday in Burnley against Portsmouth. That’s not adaptation, that’s a fucking cry for help. The club hasn’t even disclosed the length of his contract, probably because the ink would dissolve in the torrent of shit they’re swimming in. One win in twelve games, and the master plan is a manager whose last relevant achievement required a cuckoo clock and an army knife. His first match is Saturday. Maybe he can adapt the environment by teaching these Championship cloggers how to yodel the ball into the net. More likely, he’ll look at the table, realise he’s taken over a bin fire, and start updating his LinkedIn from the dugout. What a spectacular, delusional, sack-of-shits move. Enjoy the drop, you prick-stitched bastards. The only thing getting doubled here is your fucking relegation zone points deficit. Fuck off.
