The facts
On Sunday, September 6, 2026, Windy Tuck and her husband opened the hood of an unused car outside their West Allis, Wisconsin, home and found a four-foot boa constrictor. Tuck told TMJ4, via UPI: "At first, we thought it was a dirty hose. Then it turned around and started looking at us."
They called around until the Milwaukee Area Domestic Animal Control Commission and Cindy Steinle of Small Scale Reptile Rescue showed up. Steinle climbed on the hood and, the Journal Sentinel reported, tickled the snake until it came out the passenger-side front wheel well. Rescue said the boa is male. Journal Sentinel photos later ID'd it as Liberace, on a stray hold at MADACC. If nobody claims it, the rescue takes it.
Boas are not native to Wisconsin. Steinle told WBAL this was not a Florida-speed call.
Our take
A four-foot meat hose was living in the engine. They thought it was a belt. Then it made eye contact. That is the entire movie.
You wanted a phallic reference. Here. Long, thick, hiding under the hood, staring at a married couple in Wisconsin until a woman got on the car and tickled its belly until it came out the wheel well. Liberace. Of course they named the stray dick-snake after a pianist.
Do not abandon a boa in a Midwestern Oldsmobile, you degenerate. The kid climbs on that hood. The snake does not care about your failed pet era. Tickle it out, put it in a box, and stop letting your four-foot metaphor commute.
