The facts
Brazil’s Superior Electoral Court declared Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva the winner of the presidential runoff against Senator Flávio Bolsonaro. Lula received over 51 percent of the vote, with more than 64 million ballots, while Bolsonaro garnered 48 percent, or over 59 million. This victory makes Lula the first politician in modern Brazilian history to lose the first round of a presidential election and subsequently win the runoff. Both campaigns requested a two-hour extension for voting due to reports of public transport suspensions and heavy rain. Lula's allies alleged that Bolsonaro supporters reduced bus availability to suppress working-class turnout. Lula's fourth term is scheduled to begin with his swearing-in on January 5, 2027. He had entered the runoff behind Bolsonaro after receiving 45 percent in the October 4 first round, compared to Bolsonaro's 47 percent. During the campaign, Lula focused on cost-of-living issues. His next term may face legislative challenges from a Congress described as the most right-wing in recent memory.
Our take
Well, fuck me sideways with a ballot box. The old man did it. Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, the political equivalent of a stubborn toenail fungus that just won’t die, has clawed his way back into the presidential palace after getting his ass handed to him in the first round. This isn’t a comeback; it’s a necromantic ritual. He lost the first vote, then somehow convinced enough Brazilians that a fourth, non-consecutive term from a guy who already had three is exactly what the doctor ordered. What’s the campaign slogan? ‘Remember That Time? Let’s Do It Again, But Older’? The sheer brass balls on this prick are astronomical. He’s like a shitty movie villain the writers keep bringing back because they’re out of ideas. And the Brazilian electorate, in its infinite wisdom, said, ‘Sure, why not a sequel nobody asked for?’ He didn’t just win; he made history as the first fucker to lose round one and still take the whole thing. Unprecedented? More like un-fucking-believable. His victory speech probably started with, ‘You cunts really thought I was done?’ And let’s not ignore the pathetic theater that got him here. Both campaigns cried for extra time because of rain and maybe-sorta-probably intentional bus fuckery. Bolsonaro’s crew allegedly pulled the old ‘hide the buses from the poor people’ trick, which is about as subtle as a fart in a spacesuit. Lula’s team, of course, screamed voter suppression. It’s the world’s shittiest magic show: ‘For my next trick, I will make public transport vanish!’ Now the senile-leftist savior gets to be sworn in again, in 2027, to preside over a government where the Congress is further right than a Nazi bar mitzvah. He’ll be pushing his grandpa-economic policies to a bunch of lawmakers who’d rather suck start a shotgun. What a beautiful, dysfunctional, utterly Brazilian clusterfuck. The only thing more impressive than this victory is the sheer magnitude of the headache he’s just inherited. Enjoy the palace, you old bastard. You’ve earned every second of this shitshow. Don’t let the door hit your ancient ass on the way in - again.
