The facts
The second series of The Celebrity Traitors premiered with host Claudia Winkleman making a striking entrance, arriving in a coffin carried by druids. Model and actress Jerry Hall likened Winkleman's grand arrival and hairstyle to Cleopatra, exclaiming "Claudiapatra!" Winkleman stated she loved her "iconic entrance" but had initially considered hiding in a suit of armor. The episode's main talking point became actor Richard E. Grant, who was selected as one of the show's traitors alongside presenter Maya Jama. Immediately after being chosen, Grant revealed his traitor status to other contestants, a move described as unprecedented. Singer James Blunt and comedian Joe Lycett reacted with surprise to Grant's gaffe. Grant later admitted on camera that it was potentially his biggest mistake, attributing it to unguarded excitement. Ex-BBC journalist Amol Rajan questioned Grant about the incident, to which Grant responded he had been "blatant" about wanting to be a traitor. Rajan labeled Grant the "Lord of Chaos." Jerry Hall expressed disbelief, citing her 30-year friendship with Grant and his eccentric nature. Meanwhile, Ross Kemp and James Blunt successfully led the celebrities in a mission to find treasure on a pirate ship, winning £15,000. However, Kemp later became fearful of being "murdered" after being touched on the arm by Leigh-Anne Pinnock, reminiscent of a previous season's elimination.
Our take
The BBC’s Celebrity Traitors is back, and the first episode proved that while you can put a celebrity in a castle, you cannot give them a functioning fucking brain cell. Host Claudia Winkleman set the tone by arriving in a coffin carried by druids, a move so desperately iconic it reeked of a midlife crisis performed at a suburban goth’s wedding. Jerry Hall, a woman who has spent decades as a human accessory, correctly identified this as “Claudiapatra” behavior. Winkleman loved it, of course, because nothing screams relatable telly host like needing pallbearers to get to work. She reportedly considered hiding in a suit of armor instead, which tracks - both are hollow metal shells designed to protect something fragile and fundamentally useless inside. But the real historical artifact on display was Richard E. Grant’s career credibility, which he personally took out back and shot in the fucking face. Selected as a traitor, the man’s first instinct wasn’t to deceive, strategize, or even shut his mouth for five seconds. It was to immediately tell everyone his secret. He basically walked into a spy movie and announced I AM THE SPY to the entire room before the opening credits finished. What a colossal, galaxy-brained prick. Grant later admitted this was potentially his biggest mistake, which is like a surgeon admitting that using a chainsaw for heart surgery didn’t go to plan. He blamed unguarded excitement, which is the excuse of a toddler who pisses himself at a birthday party. Interviewer Amol Rajan, with the dry wit of a man watching a million-pound budget evaporate, dubbed him the “Lord of Chaos.” More like the Duke of Dumbfucks. His friend of 30 years, Jerry Hall, could only cite his eccentricity, which is rich-people code for he’s always been a bit of a useless twat. Meanwhile, Ross Kemp and James Blunt actually managed to complete a task and win money, before Kemp descended into paranoia because someone touched his arm. The show is a perfect microcosm of modern celebrity: a few people doing the work while the rest get paid to be spectacular, preening liabilities. Grant didn’t just fail at being a traitor; he failed at the basic human skill of not being a transparent, gabbling liability. What a cunt.
