The facts
UN human rights experts stated there are reasonable grounds to believe the US committed war crimes in two strikes in Iran that killed at least 177 civilians. The Independent International Fact-Finding Mission on Iran's report said February's missile strikes on a primary school in Minab and a sports complex in Lamerd constituted indiscriminate attacks causing civilian deaths and damage to civilian infrastructure. The US has not acknowledged carrying out these strikes, previously denying striking Lamerd and stating it is investigating the Minab incident. The experts cited evidence including media reports and the US's possession of Tomahawk and Precision Strike Missiles (PrSM) as grounds for their belief. The report also found Iranian authorities committed crimes against humanity during a crackdown on mass anti-government protests in January, citing widespread use of lethal force and extensive arrests. The mission's experts concluded that Iranian authorities committed gross human rights violations amounting to crimes against humanity, including murder, torture, and imprisonment, as part of a widespread and systematic attack against a civilian population. The UN Human Rights Council will receive the full report.
Our take
The United Nations, in a stunning display of stating the obvious, has concluded there are ‘reasonable grounds to believe’ the United States committed war crimes. The crime? Using multi-million-dollar missiles to turn a primary school and a sports complex in Iran into fucking craters, killing at least 177 civilians. The ‘reasonable grounds’ apparently include the U.S. owning the specific missiles used and a shitload of media reports. Groundbreaking detective work. The U.S., for its part, is sticking to its classic playbook: deny one strike, ‘investigate’ the other, and hope everyone gets bored. It’s the diplomatic equivalent of ‘who, me?’ while standing in a burning building holding a gas can. The precision required to hit a school with a Precision Strike Missile is truly something. It’s like using a satellite-guided scalpel to perform a chainsaw massacre. The report also, in a plot twist nobody saw coming, found that the Iranian government are also a bunch of murderous assholes. Their specific crimes against humanity involved crushing protests with widespread lethal force, torture, and imprisonment. So it’s a real meeting of the minds: one side bombs kids from the sky, the other shoots them in the streets. A beautiful synergy of bastardry. The full report goes to the UN Human Rights Council, a body with all the punitive power of a strongly worded cocktail napkin. The real crime here might be the sheer, staggering banality of it all. Two governments, each capable of intricate evil, simultaneously arguing over who gets the war crimes title while civilians end up as the scoring metric. It’s a fucking competition where the only prize is a deeper level of hell.
