The facts
The Associated Press reported that President Donald Trump stated he had reached an agreement with Denmark to bolster the U.S. military presence in Greenland. Trump announced on social media that the deal grants the United States permanent control over security and other needs in Greenland, initiating a process for an expanded military footprint. Denmark's prime minister indicated the agreement is set to be signed next week during the United Nations General Assembly, though it requires parliamentary approval from both Denmark and Greenland before becoming effective. Her statement emphasized that the agreement respects Greenland and Denmark's sovereignty, territorial integrity, and the right to self-determination. Greenland's prime minister commented that the developing accord benefits all three governments. The arrangement, according to the AP, would prohibit non-NATO bases, restrict adversary investment, and prevent the establishment of Chinese or Russian bases.
Our take
Well, fuck me sideways. After a whole shitstorm of tantrums about how we should just buy Greenland because it’s big and he likes real estate, Donald Trump has finally closed the deal of the century. He has, according to his own social media pronouncement, secured 'permanent control over security and other needs' in Greenland. That sounds like the kind of phrase you’d find in the terms of service for a shitty mobile game, not a fucking international security pact. Permanent control! It’s the diplomatic equivalent of a toddler declaring permanent control over the living room couch. The only thing missing is a flag with his face on it.
But here’s the beautiful, hilarious bullshit of it all. This earth-shattering agreement, this cornerstone of a new Arctic empire, isn’t actually an agreement yet. Denmark’s prime minister says it’s *set to be signed* next week. And even after that majestic scribble, it still needs to get a thumbs-up from the parliaments of both Denmark and Greenland before it means a goddamn thing. So Trump’s 'permanent control' is currently about as permanent as a sandcastle at high tide, pending review by a bunch of legislators he probably can’t name. He’s announcing a victory lap for a race that hasn’t even started, and the starting pistol is in someone else’s pocket.
The real kick in the ass is what this 'enhanced military presence' actually entails. According to the facts, the arrangement would 'prohibit non-NATO bases' and 'prevent the establishment of Chinese or Russian bases.' So let’s get this straight. The big win, the thing we’ve supposedly gained permanent control over, is the right to… stop other people from doing the thing we just did? We’re putting up a 'No Trespassing' sign on a yard that isn’t ours, using authority we don’t yet have, to block rivals from a move we just spent weeks publicly fantasizing about making ourselves. It’s the geopolitical version of a kid declaring his friend’s treehouse a sovereign nation and then immediately passing a law banning anyone else from visiting.
Greenland’s prime minister says this developing accord 'benefits all three governments.' Of course it does. It benefits Trump by letting him pretend he’s a dealmaker on the world stage. It benefits Denmark by getting him to stop publicly threatening to purchase their autonomous territory like it’s a used car. And it benefits Greenland by getting this whole embarrassing, unstable circus to maybe, possibly, settle down into a boring, normal defense agreement that requires their consent. Everyone gets a prize: Trump gets his headline, Denmark gets him to shut up, and Greenland gets to not be a fucking real estate listing. What a magnificent, pathetic achievement. The art of the deal, my ass. This is the art of the desperate save-face, sprayed with enough gold paint to fool the guy holding the spray can.
