The facts
The Supreme Court announced on Monday that it will review a federal law enacted in 1868 that bans the distilling of spirits in private homes. This prohibition, established as part of a post-Civil War tax measure, carries penalties of up to five years in prison and a $1,000 fine. The case before the court was brought by the Hobby Distillers Association, which argues that Congress exceeded its constitutional taxing power in enacting the ban. The association contends the law is an unconstitutional prohibition rather than a legitimate tax regulation. The government, however, defends the law, asserting that it is crucial for preventing tax evasion and that overturning it would contradict established legal precedent and weaken congressional authority. The Supreme Court's decision to take up this case stems from conflicting rulings issued by two federal appeals courts in April. The court selected the case from the Fifth Circuit, which had ruled in favor of the Hobby Distillers Association, a case the government had also preferred to have reviewed.
Our take
Well, fuck me sideways. The highest court in the land is about to spend its precious time debating whether you have a constitutional right to turn your basement into a fire hazard that smells of rotten corn and regret. The Hobby Distillers Association, a group of people who clearly think ‘mash’ is a hobby and not a prelude to poisoning your neighbors, wants the Supreme Court to bless their right to potentially blow up a suburban block. Their argument? That a law from 1868 - a time when Congress had slightly bigger fucking problems, like, oh, *Reconstructing the entire fucking country* - is just the government being a dick about taxes. Sure, guys. It’s about ‘taxing power,’ not about preventing some chucklefuck in a novelty apron from accidentally distilling methanol and giving his book club permanent blindness. The government, playing the role of the only adult in the room, says overturning this would ‘weaken congressional authority.’ Translation: If we let every asshole with a pressure cooker and a dream make hooch, the Treasury might miss out on enough revenue to buy one (1) new hinge for a fighter jet door. The fact that this shit has made it to the Supreme Court because two appeals courts couldn’t agree is a perfect testament to this country’s legal priorities. We’re one step away from a landmark ruling on the constitutionality of jello-shot enforcement. These hobbyists are arguing about ‘established precedent’ while their entire hobby’s precedent is ‘Uncle Cletus’s ‘special lemonade’ that made the dog see sounds.’ The penalty is five years in prison. Frankly, anyone willing to risk a felony stint in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison just to avoid buying a bottle of store-brand vodka is too stupid to be operating equipment that gets hotter than a politician’s conscience. Let them distill. The Darwin Awards need contenders too. The Supreme Court should rule against them, not on legal grounds, but on the grounds that we, as a society, have enough problems without legitimizing kitchen-scale bathtub gin operations run by people who think ‘congressional authority’ is a flavor of yeast. Absolute fucking clowns. Next case: Is it a ‘taking’ if the FDA stops you from selling cheese you aged in your own socks?
