The facts
Condé Nast CEO Roger Lynch is stepping down after a seven-year tenure, seven and a half by his own count in his farewell memo, to serve as CEO of Mattel. He will step into the role as chairman on Friday, while departing Mattel CEO Ynon Kreiz leaves the toy conglomerate for another job after eight years. The appointment followed a "comprehensive succession process," Mattel said.
Kreiz was, by the company's own telling, the man who dragged Mattel into Hollywood: Greta Gerwig's smash-hit "Barbie" movie in 2023, a "Masters of the Universe" film with Amazon this summer, and a "Matchbox" movie starring John Cena for Apple on the way. Board member Judy Olian praised his "transformational leadership" and his "invaluable legacy of transitioning Mattel from a toy manufacturer to a leading IP-driven play and family entertainment company."
Olian had equally warm words for the incoming man: "Roger is a visionary leader with a track record of growing global companies at the forefront of changing industry and consumer trends," she said. Kreiz himself said he has "every confidence the company will continue to thrive".
Lynch's own farewell memo to Condé Nast staff, which he published in full, is a masterclass in corporate treacle. It opens with "bittersweet news" before cataloguing his proudest numbers: since 2020, revenue from commerce grew by 170%, digital subscriptions by 155%, and US tentpole events increased ninefold. He cites the company's Middle East operations in Dubai, its first new office in 16 years, and says the company is "on track for another year of revenue and profit growth", with new digital products like Vette and events like Vogue World set to "fuel continued success". He will stay on as a member of the Condé Nast board. In the meantime, lead independent director Mike Perlis, who has served on the board for almost eight years, will serve as interim CEO while the board searches for a permanent successor.
Our take
Let’s get one thing straight: Roger Lynch isn’t a ‘visionary leader.’ He’s a corporate fucking janitor who spent seven years mopping up the piss puddle of legacy media while bragging about the shine on his mop bucket. His big goodbye note is a monument to this shit. Not a word about the actual magazines, the writers, the journalism - just a spreadsheet of dick-measuring metrics about commerce revenue and ‘tentpole events.’ This prick is so detached from reality he thinks ‘opened an office in Dubai’ is a legacy. He didn’t steer Condé Nast; he monetized its corpse and counted the coins as they fell out of the pockets.
Now this events-planning asshole gets the top job at Mattel because their board ran a ‘comprehensive succession process’ and decided the perfect replacement for the CEO who actually made Barbie a billion-dollar movie phenomenon is the guy who made ‘Vogue World’ happen nine whole times. Are you fucking kidding me? Ynon Kreiz dragged that plastic toy company into Hollywood by its hair, and they thank him by handing his chair to a glorified party planner whose proudest achievement is that subscriptions went up 155% while the entire industry was shitting itself. It’s like replacing a Michelin-star chef with the guy who restocked the napkins.
Lynch’s memo is a masterclass in soulless corporate bullshit. ‘Bittersweet news,’ ‘how grateful I am,’ ‘I could not be more proud’ - it’s the verbal equivalent of a participation trophy he gave himself on the way to a better-paying babysitting gig. He’s leaving Condé Nast ‘stronger than I found it,’ which must be why they need an interim CEO and a months-long search for anyone willing to sit in his still-warm chair. The board will nod along, because that’s what these useless cunts do: they congratulate each other for rearranging deck chairs and call it ‘transformational leadership.’
So here’s to Roger, the ‘visionary’ who saw that selling shit online and throwing more parties could be profitable. May he bring that profound insight to Mattel. Maybe he can get Barbie’s Dreamhouse revenue up 170% by charging for the shitter. It’s the perfect fit: a hollow man for a plastic empire.
