The facts
Portugal kept a perfect start to UEFA Nations League Group A4 with a 4-2 victory over Denmark in Copenhagen. Jorge Jesus’s side opened the scoring through João Cancelo in the 13th minute, Mikkel Damsgaard equalised for Denmark, then Gonçalo Ramos restored the lead at 25 minutes. Rasmus Højlund levelled for Denmark early in the second half, but Vitinha headed his first Portugal goal and João Félix added a late strike to seal the win. Jesus called the performance “of the highest quality.” In Group A2, new Germany manager Jürgen Klopp earned his first win, beating Serbia 2-0 in Munich. Tom Bischof scored his first senior international goal and Florian Wirtz added a second. Klopp praised the “mix of football and attitude” as the new benchmark, and Wirtz said the win was important for team spirit and sending a signal about German football.
Our take
The UEFA Nations League is the bureaucratic fart in a wind tunnel that football executives keep blowing, a competition designed to squeeze a few extra ad dollars out of matches nobody cares about. Portugal’s 4-2 demolition of Denmark is technically a win, but the only people who give a shit are the Danish nurses counting the bedpans after the match. The real headline is Cristiano Ronaldo’s dramatic exit – the five‑time Ballon d’Or walking out after a reported tiff with Jorge Jesus. That shows Portugal can actually function without the world’s most famous preening statue, which is a relief for anyone tired of his constant selfie‑driven drama. Jesus’s praise of the “highest quality” is coach‑speak for thank god the diva isn’t here to demand free kicks. Meanwhile, Jürgen Klopp’s first win as Germany boss feels like a master chef getting applause for microwaving a Hot Pocket. The former Liverpool legend left a real job to take charge of a national side that has floundered since 2014, and a 2-0 win over Serbia is about as inspiring as a tax audit. Klopp’s brag about “football and attitude” is the kind of empty mantra that sounds impressive in a press conference but does little to change the fact that the Nations League is a vanity project for administrators with too much money and fuck‑all to do. The rest of the group results – a 2‑2 draw between the Netherlands and Greece, goalless stalemates involving Israel, Kosovo, Azerbaijan and Liechtenstein – are the sporting equivalent of watching paint dry while being charged €80 for a ticket. In short, the competition is a graveyard for ambition, a playground for absolute wankers, and the only thing anyone really wins is a few extra headlines for the media. The whole thing is a massive, pointless circus, and the only thing that matters is that the big names finally stopped taking themselves seriously.
