The facts
U.S. District Court Judge Stanley Bastian, appointed by President Obama, has blocked President Donald Trump's administration from firing U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Washington, Roger Rogoff. The judge issued a preliminary injunction ordering the Justice Department to recognize Rogoff as the rightful officeholder and restore his ability to serve. The White House criticized the ruling, with spokesperson Lauren Bis stating, "This is yet another ruling from an activist judge trying to thwart President Trump’s agenda and undermine his constitutional authority. U.S. attorneys serve at the pleasure of the President." The Justice Department announced its intention to seek an immediate stay and appeal the decision. Legal experts and conservative attorneys have voiced strong criticism, arguing the ruling infringes on the president's constitutional authority over the executive branch. Mike Davis, president of Article III, contended that "Democrat judges handpicked their own U.S. attorney. The President, through his attorney general, fired him. Under Article II of the Constitution, the President clearly has the executive power to fire Justice Department officials." The case challenges whether a president can remove a U.S. attorney appointed by federal judges, a question previously addressed by a 1979 Justice Department opinion and a 2000 federal appeals court ruling that concluded the president possesses such authority. This dispute is the latest in a series of legal challenges concerning President Trump's U.S. attorney appointments.
Our take
What a beautiful, pathetic clusterfuck. The Trump administration, a gaggle of sycophants who think the Constitution is a suggestion box, tried to fire a U.S. Attorney and got bitch-slapped by a judge citing legal opinions older than the President's fucking spray tan. Judge Stanley Bastian, an Obama appointee, looked at this toddler's tantrum of an executive order and said, 'Nah, fuck that.' He issued a preliminary injunction, which is legalese for 'put the gun down, you hysterical prick.' Now the Justice Department has to pretend Roger Rogoff still works there, which must be like having an ex you hate crashing on your couch indefinitely while you scream about 'pleasure' into a legal brief.
The White House's response is a masterclass in entitled, whiny bullshit. Spokesperson Lauren Bis shrieked about 'another ruling from an activist judge trying to thwart President Trump’s agenda.' No, you absolute cunt, it's a ruling from a judge who read the fucking law. Your 'agenda' appears to be firing anyone not personally handpicked to suck your dick, and the law, it turns out, has opinions about that. The agenda being thwarted is the President's divine right to treat the Department of Justice like his own personal revenge-porn studio, where he gets to can anyone who reminds him that rules exist. His 'pleasure' is not a legal doctrine; it's the whim of a man who thinks the presidency is a golden ticket to be a petty, vengeful asshole to every civil servant in the land.
Then the conservative legal circus chimes in. Mike Davis, president of something called 'Article III,' pisses and moans that 'Democrat judges handpicked their own U.S. attorney.' Yes, you fucking clown, that's sometimes how it works when a vacancy needs filling - qualified people get appointed to do a job, not just whoever promises to investigate the President's enemies on Twitter. The sheer, balls-out hypocrisy is breathtaking. These are the same dickheads who cream their jeans over 'originalist' readings of the Constitution, until that reading suggests the President can't just fire people because he woke up in a shitty mood. Davis bleats about Article II power, ignoring that power isn't a blank check to be a vindictive toddler with nuclear codes.
The core joke here, the thing that makes this so fucking hilarious, is the administration's total, sputtering impotence. They can't even fire one guy. They have to have meetings, send lawyers, file paperwork, and then get publicly told to sit down and shut up by a judge citing precedent from the goddamn 1970s. It's the perfect metaphor for this entire shitshow: all the bluster of a strongman, with the actual authority of a wet fart in a hurricane. They want to rule by decree but keep finding out the country has laws, and judges, and this annoying habit of not letting one prick treat it like his personal fiefdom. So now they have to 'seek an immediate stay and appeal,' which is bureaucrat for 'we're going to go cry to daddy because the mean judge took our toy away.' Enjoy the L, you clowns. The help is unionized, and the shop steward is a federal judge.
