The facts
Title-holders Portugal maintained their perfect record in the Nations League, defeating Norway 2-1 at home on Sunday to secure a spot in the March quarter-finals. Manchester City’s Erling Haaland limped off for the visitors, raising concerns about his fitness. Portugal’s Gonçalo Ramos scored the winning goal 11 minutes from time, extending their lead over second-placed Denmark to six points. Norway had taken the lead in the 36th minute through Kristoffer Ajer, but João Cancelo equalized two minutes later. Portugal’s victory was marred by a red card for Francisco Conceição. Coach Jorge Jesus stated that Cristiano Ronaldo could return to the squad if he wishes. In other matches, Greece held Germany to a 0-0 draw, while the Netherlands moved to the top of Group A2 after a 2-1 win against Serbia. Austria drew 1-1 with Kosovo, and Azerbaijan leads Group D2 after a 1-0 victory over Lithuania.
Our take
Portugal secured a place in the Nations League quarter-finals, which is the footballing equivalent of getting a gold star for remembering to breathe. They maintained their perfect record by beating a Norway side whose entire fucking game plan is ‘give it to the big blond guy and pray.’ Well, the big blond guy, Erling Haaland, spent the second half limping around like a toddler who’s just discovered his legs before finally giving up and hobbling off, which is basically Norway’s tournament hopes being surgically removed without anesthetic. The entire nation just felt a collective twinge in the hamstring. They took the lead through Kristoffer Ajer, a defender, which should have been the ultimate ‘we don’t need Haaland’ power move, but they held that lead for a breathtaking two whole minutes before João Cancelo equalized, proving Norway’s defense is about as solid as a paper condom. Gonçalo Ramos then scored the winner, because of course he did, it’s Portugal - a team that could probably field a squad of traffic cones and still accidentally qualify for something. The victory was ‘marred’ by a red card for Francisco Conceição, which is like saying a shit sandwich was marred by a single piece of lettuce. The only real news is coach Jorge Jesus farting out the idea that Cristiano Ronaldo could return if he ‘wishes.’ Oh, fantastic. Just what this procession needs: a 39-year-old walking vanity project to come back and take all the free-kicks. Meanwhile, in other groups, Greece held Germany to a goalless draw, which is the football equivalent of watching two bureaucrats argue over a stapler for 90 minutes. The Netherlands won, Austria drew, and Azerbaijan leads a group. Who gives a single, solitary fuck? The whole fucking competition is a glorified set of friendlies that somehow manages to injure the only players anyone pays to see. Bravo, you money-grubbing, schedule-clogging cunts. What a triumph for the sport. End of fucking story.
