The facts
Elon Musk, CEO of SpaceX, has criticized the delay in launching Starlink in India, sarcastically referring to Reliance Industries chairman Mukesh Ambani as "Prime Minister Ambani" and accusing his supporters of protecting a monopoly. Musk argued on X that Starlink could provide internet access to underserved communities. Rahul Gandhi, an opposition leader, welcomed Musk to India, to which Musk replied, "This is indeed troubling." The ruling Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) accused Gandhi of championing Musk's interests and defended the government's handling of the issue. Akash Ambani, Reliance Jio chairman, declined to comment on Musk's remarks, stating Jio's focus on delivering value to consumers and its progress on indigenous satellite broadband technology. Starlink, despite securing a satellite communications license and authorization in 2025, and signing distribution agreements with Reliance Jio and Bharti Airtel, has not begun commercial operations. The Ministry of Communications stated that security assessments for all three licensed satellite operators are underway and that all licensees must meet security conditions. BJP leader Nishikant Dubey stated that his parliamentary committee had examined Starlink's security challenges, asserting that India does not change its security policy under pressure. Former intelligence officer Yashovardhan Jha Azad noted the impasse reflects commercial competition, regulatory uncertainty, and legitimate security concerns, questioning who retains control over essential communications during a crisis. Economist Lekha Chakrabarty suggested the issue lies in an open-ended approval process rather than India closing doors to foreign investment, highlighting the lack of transparency around approval criteria and timelines.
Our take
Elon Musk is throwing a tantrum on X because his shiny space internet can't get past the Indian bureaucracy's arsehole. He’s got the fucking license. He’s signed deals with the two biggest telecoms, Jio and Airtel. The only thing he doesn’t have is permission to actually turn the goddamn thing on, because the Ministry of Communications is conducting 'security assessments' with all the urgency of a sloth taking a shit. It’s a regulatory wank-fest dressed up as national interest, and Musk is stuck outside the circle jerk, calling Mukesh Ambani 'Prime Minister Ambani' like a pissed-off kid who didn’t get invited to the birthday party. What a prick.
The BJP, masters of deflection, immediately accused opposition twat Rahul Gandhi of being Musk’s cocksucker for daring to welcome him, which Musk found 'troubling' - probably because he realized his only political ally is a walking liability. Meanwhile, BJP MP Nishikant Dubey puffs out his chest to say his committee has 'examined' the security issues and India won’t bow to pressure. Fantastic. You’ve examined them. Now either approve the fucking thing or reject it, you cowardly bureaucrats. This isn’t policy; it’s a protection racket for the local monopolies, and everyone is too polite to call it the corrupt bullshit it so clearly is.
The best part is Akash Ambani, who when asked about Musk’s little nickname, just shrugged and gave a corporate wank-speech about 'delivering value' and 'indigenous technology.' Translation: 'We’re working on our own shit, and we’ll keep this foreign cunt in regulatory limbo until we’re ready to compete, or forever, whichever comes first.' It’s a masterclass in killing competition with paperwork, and the government is a willing accomplice, hiding behind 'legitimate security concerns' that have no deadline, no criteria, and no fucking end in sight.
So here we are. A billionaire asshole, a political circus, and a telecom monopoly playing a game of 'who controls the comms in a crisis' while the actual crisis is that people who need internet can’t get it. The entire process is a black hole of transparency, a perfect cocktail of commercial dick-swinging and regulatory cowardice. Starlink is fully licensed, fully partnered, and completely fucking useless. What a monumental waste of everyone’s time. Just a bunch of rich pricks and politicians measuring their dicks while the service that could actually help someone rots in a filing cabinet.
