The facts
Law enforcement officials are seeking additional victims following the discovery of two bodies on Tuesday in a remote area of Lancaster, California. The city is located approximately 70 miles north of Los Angeles. According to the Los Angeles Times, authorities found the bodies in a shallow grave while investigating a missing persons case. KTLA reported that the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department is investigating the discovery of the remains as a homicide. Little information is currently available regarding the identities of the two individuals found. On Wednesday, aerial footage captured by KTLA showed authorities and medical examiner's office staff digging in new areas near the initial discovery site. Lancaster, a city with a population exceeding 170,000, is under the jurisdiction of the county sheriff. City data indicates a significant decrease in homicides, with killings declining by 35% between 2024 and 2025.
Our take
Well, fuck. The Los Angeles Sheriff's Department, those bastards, just spent the last year patting themselves on the ass for a 35% drop in homicides. What a brilliant fucking achievement. They must have been so busy polishing their fucking stats that they didn't notice someone was using the Antelope Valley as a fucking landfill for human beings. Now, with two bodies in a shallow grave and aerial news cameras catching them poking around for more, the whole 'we've made the desert safer' narrative is looking about as deep as the fucking grave they just found.
What a bunch of clowns. They're out there with their little shovels, digging new holes next to the old holes, in a frantic, piss-poor attempt to figure out just how many people they failed to protect while they were busy compiling their bullshit 'city data.' A 'significant decrease' in killings, my ass. It's easy to have a decrease when you're not counting the bodies until someone trips over them in a fucking ditch. The sheriff's department's jurisdiction suddenly looks less like a community and more like a poorly managed burial ground they occasionally remember to patrol.
Let's get petty about the dumbest detail here: this 'remote area' is in a city of 170,000 people. It's not the fucking moon. It's seventy miles from Los Angeles, a distance any half-competent dickhead with a car and a corpse could manage. The sheer, staggering lack of awareness required to boast about crime drops while your constituents are being planted in the dirt is a special kind of bureaucratic cowardice. They're not crime fighters; they're fucking gardeners who showed up after the harvest to tally the wilted crops.
So here's the take, you absolute cunts: your press releases are worthless. Your statistics are a fucking joke. The only thing that 'decreased' was your department's ability to notice a double homicide until the local news started filming your detectives playing in the sand. Now get back to digging, and maybe try solving a crime before you write the next fucking newsletter bragging about it.
