The facts
Kroger announced it will eliminate 3,000 corporate positions over the next three years as it increases its use of artificial intelligence. In a memo to employees on Monday, CEO Greg Foran stated that technology is transforming work and that the company must adopt new capabilities and eliminate redundant tasks. Kroger's artificial intelligence strategy is designed to enhance customer experience, simplify tasks for associates, and improve business results. The Cincinnati-based retailer operates over 2,700 stores and employs approximately 409,000 people. During a second-quarter earnings call on Tuesday, CEO Susan Morris indicated that Kroger had already significantly reduced its workforce in the previous year and planned further substantial actions within the next 12 to 18 months. This announcement follows the unsuccessful Kroger-Albertsons merger, which faced legal challenges from the Federal Trade Commission and two states on antitrust grounds.
Our take
Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Kroger, that heartwarming pillar of community where you buy your milk, has decided the future is a spreadsheet that fires you. CEO Greg Foran sent out a memo – the corporate version of a piss-soaked letter slid under the door – telling 3,000 people their jobs are now ‘redundant tasks’ for his shiny new AI to eliminate. What a visionary prick. Technology is ‘transforming work,’ he said, which in executive cunt-speak translates to ‘we found a cheaper box to do your job, and the box doesn’t take bathroom breaks.’ Their grand AI strategy will ‘enhance customer experience.’ Fantastic. Nothing enhances the experience like a robocall about avocados instead of a human who can point you to the fucking avocados before you starve. It will also ‘simplify tasks for associates.’ Absolutely nothing simplifies your workday like watching the algorithm digest your colleague’s department and knowing your team is next week’s shit. Let’s be clear: this symphony of corporate bullshit comes right after their failed attempt to merge with Albertsons and create a grocery monopoly so grotesque even the FTC told them to get fucked. Blocked from eating a competitor, Kroger’s backup plan is to just eat its own workforce instead. Then CEO Susan Morris hopped on an earnings call to boast they’d already ‘significantly reduced’ headcount last year and promised more ‘substantial actions’ soon. ‘Substantial actions’ is what mob bosses call cement shoes; at Kroger, it means your job is being handed to a chatbot that probably thinks a head of lettuce is a cybersecurity threat. They run over 2,700 stores and employ 409,000 people, but the only ‘duplicative work’ their geniuses can find is 3,000 humans who still need to pay rent. Here’s the real ‘business result’: the AI will ‘improve’ things by herding every customer into a self-checkout line that shrieks ‘UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA’ while the last surviving ‘associate’ runs between six broken machines, sweating and waiting for the email announcing her job is now a redundant task, too. Enjoy your automated dystopia, you greedy fucks. Hope the algorithms you worship are kind when they decide your CEO salary is also a redundant cost.
