The facts
In a new book and a follow‑up interview, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito said emergency petitions have risen dramatically during Donald Trump’s second term and now rival the number of cases the Court hears after full briefing and argument. He described the surge as undesirable and traced it to presidents’ increased reliance on executive orders and faster appeals from lower courts. Alito noted that the Court has limited authority to curb the trend, because it cannot overturn the procedural mechanisms that generate the filings. He also pushed back against claims that his judicial opinions align with a MAGA agenda, despite his conservative voting record and occasional support for Trump‑era policies. The Associated Press reported these remarks.
Our take
Samuel Alito, a man whose entire professional existence is built on the idea that government should be small enough to drown in a bathtub, is now publicly sobbing because his little government job is, in fact, drowning. In a book and interview, this pompous prick bemoaned the 'surge' in emergency petitions that now rival the Court's full caseload. He traced this 'undesirable' trend to presidents using executive orders like candy and lower courts shitting out appeals at lightspeed. Boo-fucking-hoo. This is the judicial equivalent of a firefighter setting his own station ablaze with a flamethrower of partisan jurisprudence and then complaining about the heat. The procedural mechanisms generating this flood are the direct result of the political chaos Alito and his conservative cronies have spent decades legitimizing with their 'originalist' handjobs to executive power whenever it suits them. Now the chickens - or more accurately, the frantic, legally-homeless petitions - have come home to roost in his fucking robes. His claim that the Court has 'limited authority' to curb this is the coward's confession of a bench that helped break the system and now finds the pieces too sharp to handle. He wants the prestige of being a Supreme Court justice without the actual work of adjudicating a Supreme Court's workload. It's like a Michelin-starred chef bitching that too many customers keep ordering food. And while he's pissing and moaning about his docket, he takes a moment to push back against claims he's a MAGA judge. Sure, buddy. Your voting record is just a series of wild, unrelated coincidences that always seem to land you giving a thumbs-up to Trump-era policies, but you're totally an impartial arbiter. The sheer, staggering lack of self-awareness would be hilarious if it wasn't so corrosive. The Court is clogged with emergency shit because the political system is in a permanent state of emergency, a crisis his own 'conservative' philosophy of unchecked executive authority helped create. Now he's writing a book about it. What's next, a weepy podcast? Fuck off, you whining hypocrite. Enjoy the flood you helped unleash, you absolute cunt. Next time, maybe don't spend your career greasing the slide into legal chaos.
