The facts
Jude Bellingham has called Harry Kane England's best-ever player after the captain made his 125th appearance for the national team during a 3-0 Nations League win against Czechia. Kane scored twice in the match, bringing him within nine goals of reaching 100 international goals. Bellingham praised Kane as an "unbelievable human being" and an "honour" to play with, noting his consistent goal-scoring and all-around contributions. Kane stated that reaching 125 caps is among his career's greatest achievements and expressed his love for representing England. The 33-year-old forward, who currently plays for Bayern Munich, believes he is in better form than ever and intends to continue playing as long as he can contribute to the team. He also acknowledged the distant possibility of surpassing Cristiano Ronaldo's international goal record. England manager Thomas Tuchel commented that Kane "deserves the stage, the praise" and that the team is progressing.
Our take
Well, fuck me sideways. The England national team, a historic monument to glorious failure, has finally solved its eternal debate: who is the greatest player to ever pull on the shirt and not win a fucking thing? According to Jude Bellingham, it’s the bloke who just played against him this weekend. What profound, centuries-spanning analysis led to this earth-shattering verdict? Harry Kane got his 125th cap in a 3-0 win over Czechia and scored twice. Case closed, you absolute helmet.
Bellingham, a man whose own career highlight is currently ‘being young’, gushed that Kane is an ‘unbelievable human being’ and an ‘honour’ to play with. This is the same profound insight you’d get from a Year 7 student writing ‘My Hero’ about his maths teacher. The real honour, Jude, is watching a grown man achieve a personal milestone in a glorified friendly and having his teammates treat it like the discovery of penicillin.
Kane, for his part, is lapping this sycophantic bullshit up like a thirsty dog at a pissing contest. Reaching 125 caps is ‘one of his career’s biggest achievements’, exceeding his ‘wildest dreams’. His wildest dreams, apparently, involve accruing participation trophies while the actual trophy cabinet gathers cobwebs. The prick then has the audacity to claim he’s in ‘better form than during his best-ever season’, which is like a chef boasting his soup is hotter than the time he actually served it.
And because no act of English footballing vanity is complete without a delusional gaze into the distance, Kane ‘acknowledged the possibility’ of chasing Cristiano Ronaldo’s international goal record. Acknowledged it like a toddler ‘acknowledges the possibility’ of being an astronaut. He’s 33, nine goals shy of a hundred, and Ronaldo’s got 128. The only thing he’s chasing is his own fading shadow, but he’ll sure as shit milk the ‘humble’ speculation for another decade of back-pats.
Manager Thomas Tuchel chimed in to say Kane ‘deserves the stage, the praise’. He deserves a stage alright - a one-man show titled ‘My Caps: A Journey of Counting’. The entire circus is a masterclass in celebrating the bare fucking minimum, a circle-jerk of self-congratulation so intense it could power the national grid. They beat Czechia, not Brazil, you self-important wankers. Save the coronation for when you actually win something that doesn’t come with a fucking ‘Nations League’ logo on it.
