The facts
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers have been ordered not to engage in high‑speed car chases and may only conduct vehicle stops after completing one of five agency‑approved training courses, according to a memo signed by ICE executive associate director Marcos D. Charles and dated Wednesday. The guidance also requires stop‑vehicle lights and sirens, and mandates that all officers on scene wear and activate body cameras. ICE agents have fired guns in over a dozen vehicle‑stop encounters since last year, resulting in at least four deaths and several injuries. The memo emphasizes that vehicle stops and arrests of illegal aliens will continue, describing the new rules as a routine guidance reminder.
Our take
Well, fuck me sideways, the federal government’s most infamous badge‑wearing thugs finally realized that turning every traffic stop into a cheap action‑movie set is a terrible idea. ICE, the absolute cunts who built their public persona on hunting terrified immigrants, have now officially ordered officers not to engage in high‑speed chases. That’s right – the agency that treats people like quarry has decided hot pursuit is too spicy for their delicate sensibilities, but only after agents fired guns in over a dozen encounters, leaving at least four dead and a trail of blood and bullshit across the country. The new guidance, signed by the bureaucratic coward Marcos D. Charles, is a masterpiece of ass‑covering. It’s not a change, you see, just a ‘routine guidance reminder.’ Sure, pal. It’s routine to remind your heavily armed stormtroopers that their job isn’t to reenact The French Connection every time someone doesn’t immediately pull over for immigration police. Now, instead of chasing people, these dickheads are instructed to write down the license plate. Write it down! What a revolutionary fucking concept. Perhaps next they’ll be issued crayons and a coloring book to keep them occupied. The memo also mandates that only officers who have completed one of five specific training courses can conduct traffic stops; everyone else is relegated to a support role. Before this, it was apparently perfectly acceptable for any ICE agent with a gun and a hard‑on for authority to light up their cherries and start a confrontation that could end with them emptying their magazine into a sedan. The fact that this now requires specialized training is the most damning indictment of their previous standards imaginable. They were letting untrained, trigger‑happy pricks loose on the roads, and they’re shocked – shocked! – that people got shot. And don’t forget the other groundbreaking reforms: stop‑vehicle lights and sirens (genius!), and mandatory body‑camera activation (wow). Setting the bar so low it’s a tripping hazard in hell. They’re basically admitting their previous operations were conducted in unmarked vans by goons in ski masks. The whole document reads like a parent taking the car keys away from a teenager who just totaled the family station wagon while drunk. ‘No more high‑speed chases for you, junior! And if you want to drive to the mall, you have to pass driver’s ed first.’ It’s a pathetic, reactive scramble to contain the catastrophic PR of being a death squad that can’t even manage a traffic stop without shooting someone. The vanity is breathtaking. They still insist they’ll keep doing stops and arrests, downplaying the entire life‑and‑death rulebook as a mere reminder. It’s the institutional equivalent of a serial arsonist getting a memo saying, ‘Hey, maybe use less gasoline next time, and also try attending a fire‑safety seminar.’ It’s too little, too late, and it comes from a place of such profound, weaponized incompetence that the only appropriate response is to laugh until you piss yourself, then vote to abolish the whole cowardly, murderous enterprise.
