The facts
President Donald Trump told reporters he had “heard something” about a Justice Department investigation into allegations that Corey Lewandowski, his former 2016 campaign manager and former adviser at the Department of Homeland Security, may have profited from his former role. Trump said he did not know the specifics of the probe, but urged his associates to be honest and said he would direct the Justice Department to do what it needs to do. The Associated Press noted that Trump did not explicitly defend Lewandowski. The investigation reportedly began after a criminal referral from the DHS inspector general. Lewandowski served at DHS while Kristi Noem was secretary.
Our take
Donald Trump’s entire fucking presidency can be summarized by this moment: a criminal referral from his own Department of Homeland Security inspector general lands on the DOJ’s desk, targeting his loyal attack dog Corey Lewandowski for allegedly profiting off his government job, and the president’s response is to whisper to reporters, I heard something.
He heard something. Not I read the inspector general’s report, not I’ve been briefed, but the same shit you say when you catch a whiff of a fart in an elevator and want to pretend it wasn’t you. It’s the verbal equivalent of a shrug so limp his shoulders might fucking detach. This is a man who directs the entire Justice Department, and his grasp of an active probe into his own former campaign manager is at the level of a middle-school gossip.
Then this useless prick follows his ghost story with the bold leadership of urging his associates to "be honest" and promising to direct the DOJ to do what it needs to do. Wow. What a fucking command. 'Do… the thing you’re already doing, but, you know, maybe keep doing it?' It’s like watching a fire chief arrive at a five-alarm blaze, sniff the air, and announce, I smell smoke. I urge the flames to consider being less hot. I will direct the hoses to spray water, if that’s what they need to do.
The beautiful, pathetic contradiction is that the AP had to note he didn’t even defend Lewandowski. This sack of shit who will call any prosecutor investigating his friends a "deep state" animal wouldn’t even throw a bone to the guy who took a bullet for him in 2016. Instead, he’s playing the role of a mildly concerned bystander who just happened to be the president when the crime was allegedly committed under his own secretary’s watch. It’s a coward’s two-step: acknowledge the problem exists so you can’t be accused of ignoring it, but refuse to touch it so you can’t be blamed for it.
So the DOJ is investigating a criminal referral, and the commander-in-chief’s contribution is to have "heard something" about it. He’s treating a federal investigation like a faint rumor about who fucked who at the company picnic. The only thing more transparent than Lewandowski’s alleged grift is Trump’s absolute, pants-shitting terror of being tied to it. He’s not directing justice; he’s directing traffic away from his own doorstep, and he’s doing it with the authority of a lost tourist asking for directions.
