The facts
Mitchell Fairbarn, a Canadian tourist visiting Las Vegas, has been convicted of animal cruelty after stealing a Chilean flamingo named Peachy from its enclosure at the Flamingo Las Vegas Hotel and Casino in March. During his trial, Fairbarn testified that he had consumed between 30 and 40 beers before the incident and claimed he did not intend to harm the bird, believing it would be "funny" to take it. CCTV footage showed Fairbarn carrying the flamingo by the neck in an elevator. Animal experts testified that the bird suffered torn feathers and blood loss as a result of Fairbarn's actions. Fairbarn's lawyer, Josh Tomsheck, stated that alcohol led to his client's "bad decisions" and that Fairbarn's actions were intended as a "harmless prank." The jury heard from 14 witnesses and reviewed over 112 pieces of evidence, taking approximately five hours to reach a verdict on felony and misdemeanor animal abuse charges. Fairbarn, 34, has been on house arrest in Las Vegas since his arrest and has been unable to leave the United States. A sentencing hearing is scheduled for December. According to a veterinarian for the state, Peachy has largely recovered but now displays a more anxious demeanor around people. Fairbarn has reportedly received death threats since his arrest.
Our take
Let’s get this straight: Mitchell Fairbarn’s defense was that his idea of comedy is committing a felony while too drunk to stand. He testified that after 30 to 40 beers - a volume that suggests his bladder is a goddamn marvel of modern engineering - he decided the peak of hilarity would be to steal a flamingo by the neck. Not pet it. Not take a selfie. He went full dickhead and throttled the poor bird in an elevator like it was a fucking feather duster he won at the craps table. What a visionary comic mind. The punchline was torn feathers and blood loss. Real knee-slapper, you absolute cunt. His lawyer calls it a “harmless prank” ruined by alcohol. Right. Because sober, this genius would’ve just asked the flamingo for its autograph. The only thing harmless here is Fairbarn’s grasp on reality. The jury needed just five hours to convict his ass - less time than he spent chugging his way to this brilliant plan. They reviewed 112 pieces of evidence, probably including the CCTV footage of him doing his best impression of a wobbly flamingo-napper. It took them half a workday to decide he was guilty; it took him a whole night of dedicated drinking to decide felony animal cruelty was a fun bit. Now this fuckwit is stuck in Vegas on house arrest, whining that he can’t leave the country. Poor bastard. Peachy the flamingo can’t leave its own newfound anxiety around people, you selfish prick. Fairbarn’s facing up to five years, which breaks down to roughly one hour of prison for every beer he claims to have skulled. That’s poetic. He’s getting death threats? Maybe don’t become the poster boy for drunken avian assault and you won’t become Canada’s most unwanted export. The vet says Peachy is physically better but now gets nervous. So Fairbarn’s legacy is giving a bird PTSD. What a fucking legacy. Sentencing is in December. Here’s hoping the judge gives him time to reflect on his comedy career - preferably in a setting where the only thing he can strangle is a prison-issue pillow. Cheers, you flamingo-fondling fuck-up. May your house arrest be as entertaining as your elevator ride with a terrified bird. Which is to say, not funny at all.
