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The facts
Russia’s intelligence services are plotting to carry out targeted killings in the United States and in European nations supporting Ukraine, federal authorities said Tuesday as they announced charges against five people who remain at large. An indictment unsealed in Manhattan federal court said a network of the intelligence services had paid and attempted to pay individuals in the United States and in other countries to surveil targets to be killed with plans to then kill them. The associates recruited in the network also had been solicited to carry out acts of terrorism against civilian and military infrastructure in European countries that were perceived to be aligned with Ukraine, the indictment said. James Barnacle Jr, head of New York’s FBI office, said the FBI disrupted the plans “through relentless work” as members of the Russian intelligence services and their affiliates “conspired to intimidate, threaten, or murder people on US soil and around the world”. Darren Cox, head of the Washington DC office of the FBI, cited “extraordinary work by multiple FBI field offices, components, and partner agencies that collectively disrupted Russia’s attempts to conduct violent acts in our nation’s capital and throughout the United States”. According to the release, a network of people working for the Russian Federation’s intelligence services had since at least 2024 conspired to conduct and had conducted attacks and murders around the world, including within the United States. The indictment said a person identified only as “US Resident-1” had been sent to two locations associated with the targeted victim and was given “explicit instructions on how to conduct surveillance” while being promised $1,000 and $1,500 to carry out the work. After conducting the surveillance and providing multiple photographs and videos of locations associated with the intended victim to one of the men charged in the indictment, the US resident turned down the $40,000 that was offered to “eliminate” or “disappear” the target through murder.
Our take
In a move that redefines 'outsourcing,' Russian intelligence services have apparently decided that geopolitical assassination is best handled by subcontractors found on the international equivalent of Craigslist. The FBI announced charges against five fugitives, alleging a network of Russian spies has been trying to pay random people in the U.S. and Europe to surveil and then kill targets who support Ukraine. This isn't some slick, high-tech thriller plot; it's more like a pathetic, low-budget horror movie where the monster tries to hire the local teenagers to do its dirty work.
The indictment reveals the breathtakingly shitty economics of modern Russian espionage. One person, known only as 'US Resident-1,' was sent to scout locations for a potential victim. For this incredibly risky act of treasonous surveillance, they were promised the princely sums of $1,000 and then $1,500. That's not 'spy money'; that's 'I need to cover my car payment' money. After completing the surveillance and handing over photos and videos, the resident was then offered the big leagues: $40,000 to straight-up murder the target, to 'eliminate' or 'disappear' them. To the resident's immense credit, they told the Russian intelligence officers to go fuck themselves with their pathetic blood money. Imagine being a global superpower's spy agency and having your murder-for-hire offer rejected because the payout is an insult. It's like trying to hire a hitman with a Groupon.
James Barnacle Jr., head of the FBI's New York office, said they disrupted these plans through 'relentless work' as Russian spies 'conspired to intimidate, threaten, or murder people on U.S. soil.' Relentless work, in this case, probably involved a lot of agents staring at bank transfers for $1,500 and wondering if this was all some elaborate prank. Darren Cox from the FBI's D.C. office praised the 'extraordinary work' that stopped Russia's 'attempts to conduct violent acts.' Extraordinary work to stop a plot that was being run with the financial sophistication of a middle-school drug deal.
The whole scheme reads like a desperate Hail Mary from an intelligence service whose budget has been cratered by sanctions and whose operational prowess has been demonstrated to be bullshit in Ukraine. They're not sending sleek agents with poison umbrellas; they're trying to Venmo some poor bastard a grand and a half to take pictures outside a house. The indictment says the network also tried to recruit people for acts of terrorism against infrastructure in Europe. One can only imagine the pitch: 'Hello, would you like to commit an act of war for the Motherland? We can offer you a used Lada and a slightly damp package of rubles.' It's the geopolitical equivalent of a mob boss trying to pay his debt with a stack of lottery tickets.
This isn't just an intelligence failure; it's a fucking humiliation. The FBI, to its credit, seems to have rolled up the whole sad operation before anyone got hurt, but the lasting image is of a once-feared Russian spy apparatus now so broke and incompetent it has to crowdsource its wetwork. They're plotting targeted killings on a freelance contractor model, with payment tiers. Next, they'll be offering a subscription service: 'For just $99.99 a month, we'll *threaten* to kill one of your enemies. Murder requires the Platinum Plan.' The real victory here isn't just foiling a plot; it's exposing the fact that the Russian threat, in this specific, murderous form, is being run by a bunch of penny-ante dickheads who think $40,000 is a life-changing sum for a homicide. They're not masterminds; they're cheap, dangerous bastards trying to get other people to do their killing on the cheap, and they got caught because their entire operation smelled like piss and desperation.
