The facts
The FBI and the US Postal Inspection Service are investigating letters containing an "unknown substance" sent to state officials and election offices nationwide. Weeks before the US midterm elections, election officers in Louisiana and Oklahoma received envelopes with a powdery substance, leading to evacuations. A similar package was sent to the Ohio secretary of state but intercepted by the US Postal Service. Arizona’s secretary of state’s office also received a similar envelope, prompting hazmat and law enforcement responses and evacuations at the state capitol. Arizona secretary of state Adrian Fontes stated, “This is a sobering moment that highlights the reality of election administration in this country today.” Federal authorities have urged recipients to treat the mail as “potentially hazardous.” Brendan Donahue, a senior official with the US Postal Inspection Service, confirmed the investigation, stating, “We are committed to protecting our nation’s election officials from threatening and dangerous mail.” The FBI confirmed it is investigating a series of suspicious mailings sent to various addresses nationwide, including Secretary of State offices and their related election officers, stating, “Some of the letters contained an unknown substance and we are working closely with our law enforcement partners to respond to each incident.” In Oklahoma, state troopers determined the substance was non-hazardous. In Cook County, Illinois, an envelope with white powder sent to treasurer Maria Pappas was confirmed to be baking powder. The National Association of Secretaries of State and the National Association of State Election Directors released a joint statement expressing concern and stating, “Threats against election officials and workers have no place in our democracy.”
Our take
Nothing says I’m a patriot who loves democracy like mailing a fucking envelope of mystery grit to the people who count the votes. What a bunch of cowardly, basement-dwelling pricks. These aren’t political statements; they’re the equivalent of leaving a flaming bag of dog shit on the porch and ringing the doorbell. The only thing more pathetic than the act is the payload: one state got baking powder. You threatened a county treasurer with a fucking ingredient from a pancake recipe, you absolute clown. Did you run out of glitter? Is this the domestic terror version of a middle-school science fair volcano project? The FBI and Postal Inspectors are now running around the country playing cleanup for these dickheads, which is a spectacular waste of resources when they could be, oh I don’t know, solving actual crimes instead of fielding calls about some asshole’s pantry surplus. And for what? So some loser in his mom’s basement can feel a thrill while election workers - actual public servants - have to evacuate their offices and get hosed down by hazmat teams. It’s performative, lazy, and deeply fucking stupid. The joint statement from the election officials says threats “have no place in our democracy.” That’s too polite. These mailings are the political equivalent of pissing your pants in public: you get a moment of warm attention, but everyone else just has to deal with the smell and the fact that you’re a grown-ass adult who can’t control your own bladder. It’s the act of a petulant child who can’t win an argument, so he just shits on the board. The only silver lining is that the substances keep turning out to be harmless, which is the perfect metaphor for the perpetrators: all menace, no actual balls. Fuck these guys and their sad, powdery bullshit. Next time, try sending a strongly-worded letter. Or better yet, shut the fuck up and vote like an adult.
