The facts
BBC Panorama has found that Deloitte, the world's largest accountancy firm, allegedly assisted in falsifying documents to hide Roman Abramovich's wealth and evade taxes. According to the investigation, accounts signed off by Deloitte in Cyprus caused assets including superyachts, mansions, and private jets valued at $672 million to disappear from Abramovich's company accounts. Barrister Andrew Mitchell KC described the evidence as showing a scheme of "straightforward" tax evasion. Roman Abramovich's lawyers stated he denies evading tax or concealing his fortune, asserting that Panorama provided no evidence he knew about, authorized, or directed the falsification of any document, and that it was legitimate to rely on professional advice. Deloitte Cyprus stated it "acts in compliance with applicable laws." The findings stem from a leak of thousands of documents concerning Abramovich's finances and offshore companies administered from Cyprus between 1995 and 2022, as part of the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists' Cyprus Confidential investigation. One instance cited involves backdated paperwork in 2006 to circumvent a new Cypriot law requiring company accounts to be made public, transferring assets to a British Virgin Islands company to keep them hidden. Deloitte Cyprus reportedly reviewed these backdated documents, deeming them "adequate" to remove assets from company accounts. Further evidence suggests Deloitte advised on a tax evasion scheme for another Cypriot company, Kravin Investments, involving backdated documents to falsely show the company did not own funds earning significant interest, thereby avoiding Cypriot tax liabilities.
Our take
So Deloitte Cyprus, the local branch of the world’s biggest bean-counting wankers, has been caught with its dick in the cookie jar. According to a BBC investigation, these professional number-fiddlers allegedly helped Roman Abramovich make $672 million in yachts, jets, and mansions vanish from the books. Their method? Just backdate some paperwork, you absolute cowards. It’s the financial equivalent of a toddler scribbling over a crayon drawing and calling it a Van Gogh, only these pricks get paid millions to do it. One scheme involved dodging a new Cypriot law by shuffling assets to a British Virgin Islands company, with Deloitte giving the backdated documents a big thumbs-up as “adequate.” Adequate for what? Adequate for a massive fucking fraud, you complicit cunts. Barrister Andrew Mitchell KC called it “straightforward” tax evasion, which is legalese for so fucking obvious even a drunk intern could spot it. Abramovich’s lawyers, of course, whine that he didn’t know about it and was just relying on “professional advice.” Right. Because when you’re a billionaire, you just blindly trust the accountants making your superyacht disappear from the ledger. That’s like hiring a chauffeur and being shocked when he drives the car. Deloitte Cyprus, meanwhile, hides behind the limp-dick statement that it “acts in compliance with applicable laws.” The applicable law here seems to be the law of don’t get caught, you greedy bastards. They even advised on another scheme for a company called Kravin Investments, using more backdated bullshit to pretend it didn’t own money earning interest, all to skip out on the tax bill. It’s a masterclass in being a parasitic shitstain on society. These aren’t auditors; they’re a concierge service for financial crime, a bunch of overpaid, suit-wearing enablers who think ethics are a type of spreadsheet. The only thing they’ve certified here is their own status as total fucking grifters.
