The facts
Prime Minister Mark Carney announced on Thursday that Canada will fast track the approval process for a new proposed crude oil export pipeline to its west coast, a project he declared a project of national interest. This designation will allow the pipeline to proceed through a single federal regulatory review process, with Ottawa aiming to complete this by September 1, 2027. Carney stated that the Pacific Link pipeline is a crucial part of his bid to diversify the economy away from the United States and to lessen the effect of US President Donald Trump's tariffs. He told reporters that a pipeline to the west coast is part of Canada's mission to transform its economy, double non-US exports over the next decade, and unlock its full potential as a global energy superpower. Ottawa estimates the 1 million barrel a day project would create 140,000 jobs and generate more than 20 billion Canadian dollars in gross domestic product per year, along with 100 billion Canadian dollars in government revenue by 2060. The pipeline will be built by government-owned Trans Mountain Corp in coordination with Pembina Pipeline Corp. The federal government and the government of Alberta will be the majority owners, and Indigenous communities will be offered a minimum of 10 percent ownership interest. Carney made the announcement alongside Alberta Premier Danielle Smith in Fort McMurray, the hub of Alberta’s tar sands industry.
Our take
Prime Minister Mark Carney, the central banking cunt who parachuted into politics, has decided that Canada's entire economic future depends on sucking another million barrels of tar-sands crude a day through a pipe that doesn't exist, to a coast that doesn't want it, by a deadline set in the year 2027. That's right, a seven-year fast track. This is the governmental equivalent of promising your pissed-off spouse you'll finally fix the leaky faucet, but first you need to spend a decade drawing up the blueprints and forming a committee to study the wrench. The absolute gall to stand in Fort McMurray, the oily asshole of Alberta, and declare this a "national interest" project is breathtaking. It's a national interest in continuing to be the world's bitch for fossil fuels while pretending you're a superpower.
Carney's big brain plan is to "diversify" away from the United States by building a pipeline to... wait for it... the Pacific Ocean. Because nothing says independence like hoping tanker captains from China don't run your shit aground in the Salish Sea. He's worried about Donald Trump's tariffs, so the solution is to spend billions of taxpayer dollars to build infrastructure so we can sell our oil to other countries who will also inevitably fuck us on price. This is like getting dumped by your abusive boyfriend and deciding the best revenge is to become a high-class escort for his richer, cruiser friends.
Let's talk about the numbers, you lying bastards. 140,000 jobs? Generated over 40 years, most of them temporary construction gigs for a project that will be fought in court by every First Nation and environmental group until the sun explodes. 100 billion Canadian dollars in government revenue by 2060? That's not a plan, that's a fortune cookie message you found in a strip-mall Chinese restaurant. They might as well promise a unicorn that shits gold bars by 2150. And the pièce de résistance: offering Indigenous communities a "minimum of 10 percent ownership." After centuries of theft and pollution, the offer on the table is to become minority shareholders in their own ongoing destruction. That's not partnership, it's a fucking insult wrapped in a corporate prospectus.
The whole thing is a pathetic circus run by clowns like Carney and Alberta Premier Danielle Smith, whose entire political platform is licking oil off the floor. They're using the government-owned Trans Mountain Corp, the same useless pricks who have turned the existing Trans Mountain expansion into a multi-billion dollar boondoggle, to coordinate this new disaster. It's like putting a pyromaniac in charge of the fireworks factory because he promised this time he'll be careful. This pipeline is a monument to cowardice, a giant metal middle finger to the future, and a guarantee that Canada will remain a petro-state whose only superpower is producing bullshit press releases.
