<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><urlset xmlns="http://www.sitemaps.org/schemas/sitemap/0.9" xmlns:news="http://www.google.com/schemas/sitemap-news/0.9"><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/spacex-now-controls-the-pentagons-orbital-rearview-mirror-9c095d</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-25T13:11:19.119Z</news:publication_date><news:title>SpaceX Now Controls the Pentagon&apos;s Orbital Rearview Mirror</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/trumps-snap-crackdown-starves-5-million-americans-administration-calls-it-a-big-win-8ad590</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-25T11:28:26.586Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Trump&apos;s SNAP Crackdown Starves 5 Million Americans, Administration Calls It a &apos;Big Win&apos;</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/the-world-series-is-a-fucking-garage-sale-of-a-championship-964b94</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-25T10:07:24.439Z</news:publication_date><news:title>The World Series Is a Fucking Garage Sale of a Championship</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/saudi-arabias-airport-reopening-is-a-come-bomb-me-sign-for-houthis-f6ae62</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-25T08:28:21.025Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Saudi Arabia’s Airport Reopening Is a ‘Come Bomb Me’ Sign for Houthis</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/musk-admits-spacex-throttled-starlink-in-ukraine-over-offensive-use</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-25T06:48:54.479Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Musk Admits SpaceX Throttled Starlink in Ukraine Over ‘Offensive’ Use</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/nasa-and-billionaire-dick-measuring-contestants-scramble-to-actually-land-on-moon-by-2028-94c4e9</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-25T05:07:20.434Z</news:publication_date><news:title>NASA and Billionaire Dick-Measuring Contestants Scramble to Actually Land on Moon by 2028</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/trump-bails-on-his-own-trade-war-because-susan-collins-is-shitting-her-pants-58eb35</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-25T03:28:54.025Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Trump Bails on His Own Trade War Because Susan Collins Is Shitting Her Pants</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/netanyahu-faces-revolt-of-the-rightly-pissed-5f8db1</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-25T01:47:32.676Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Netanyahu Faces Revolt of the Rightly Pissed</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/six-flags-decides-seat-belts-might-be-a-good-idea-after-fucking-murder-coaster-42b4f6</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T20:27:38.031Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Six Flags Decides Seat Belts Might Be a Good Idea After Fucking Murder Coaster</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/the-patriot-pantry-is-bare-and-zelenskys-wi-fi-sucks-9f4cf7</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T18:47:31.806Z</news:publication_date><news:title>The Patriot Pantry Is Bare and Zelensky&apos;s Wi-Fi Sucks</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/nasas-mississippi-money-torch-hits-111-of-its-own-bullshit-cb3f57</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T17:28:51.268Z</news:publication_date><news:title>NASA&apos;s Mississippi Money Torch Hits 111% of Its Own Bullshit</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/david-ellisons-110-billion-debt-orgy-comes-with-a-side-of-trump-crony-and-layoff-vapors-6d55db</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T16:08:19.740Z</news:publication_date><news:title>David Ellison&apos;s $110 Billion Debt Orgy Comes With a Side of Trump Crony and Layoff Vapors</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/infantino-declares-himself-king-shit-of-turd-mountain-everyone-else-says-hes-just-a-fuckin-liar-524c7a</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T14:30:37.938Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Infantino Declares Himself King Shit of Turd Mountain, Everyone Else Says He&apos;s Just a Fuckin&apos; Liar</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/berkshire-hathaway-stock-climbs-to-record-highs-as-investors-flee-ai-hype-for-boring-old-cash-piles</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T14:10:16.889Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Berkshire Hathaway Stock Climbs to Record Highs as Investors Flee AI Hype for Boring Old Cash Piles</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/france-deploys-70000-cops-over-a-few-gas-masks-1b2294</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T12:28:02.457Z</news:publication_date><news:title>France Deploys 70,000 Cops Over a Few Gas Masks</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/feds-give-california-counties-48-hours-to-find-the-noncitizen-voting-wave-that-doesnt-exist-11bc22</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T12:07:46.970Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Feds give California counties 48 hours to find the noncitizen voting wave that doesn&apos;t exist</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/brazils-presidential-debate-two-grown-men-call-each-other-baby-names-over-finger-counts-and-cop-gangs-94c630</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T10:47:21.142Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Brazil&apos;s Presidential Debate: Two Grown Men Call Each Other Baby Names Over Finger Counts and Cop Gangs</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/epa-sued-for-decades-of-water-pollution-inaction-on-cancer-linked-pesticide-1985ce</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T09:08:08.560Z</news:publication_date><news:title>EPA Sued for Decades of Water-Pollution Inaction on Cancer-Linked Pesticide</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/serbias-last-gasp-a-bunch-of-ungraded-papers-are-about-to-fuck-up-a-dictators-whole-career-4ecc85</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T07:28:09.885Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Serbia’s Last Gasp: A Bunch of Ungraded Papers Are About To Fuck Up a Dictator’s Whole Career</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/spains-opposition-caught-fabricating-confessions-with-ai-bullshit-generator-59b1de</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T06:08:02.582Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Spain’s Opposition Caught Fabricating Confessions With AI Bullshit Generator</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/rubios-secret-plan-for-cuba-is-to-tell-them-to-call-the-spooks-fddc5b</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T04:28:06.709Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Rubio&apos;s Secret Plan for Cuba Is to Tell Them to Call the Spooks</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/mod-now-haggling-over-how-little-to-pay-veterans-it-kicked-out-for-being-gay-01afce</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T03:07:53.214Z</news:publication_date><news:title>MoD Now Haggling Over How Little to Pay Veterans It Kicked Out for Being Gay</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/treasury-dept-finally-tries-to-stop-funding-the-enemy-ecb06f</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-24T01:29:32.465Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Treasury Dept. Finally Tries to Stop Funding the Enemy</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/farages-5-million-personal-gift-has-standards-commissioner-ready-to-wipe-his-arse-with-the-rulebook-b3098f</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-23T20:09:15.720Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Farage&apos;s £5 Million &apos;Personal&apos; Gift Has Standards Commissioner Ready to Wipe His Arse with the Rulebook</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/meghans-deeply-distressed-statement-after-six-year-cop-whisper-about-dads-alleged-kiddie-porn-stash-0b4b60</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-23T18:37:55.867Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Meghan&apos;s &apos;Deeply Distressed&apos; Statement After Six-Year Cop Whisper About Dad&apos;s Alleged Kiddie Porn Stash</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/carricks-emotional-sob-fest-fails-to-rule-out-dropping-captain-e5e8ff</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-23T17:13:02.814Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Carrick&apos;s Emotional Sob Fest Fails to Rule Out Dropping Captain</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/uttar-pradesh-police-perfect-the-kneecapping-for-krishna-drill-cce6bc</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-23T15:47:38.940Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Uttar Pradesh Police Perfect the &apos;Kneecapping for Krishna&apos; Drill</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/wall-streets-diaper-change-c73fdc</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-23T14:22:49.360Z</news:publication_date><news:title>Wall Street’s Diaper Change</news:title></news:news></url><url><loc>https://offensivenews.com/story/ai-stock-boner-goes-limp-oil-gets-hard-and-brits-wont-buy-a-fucking-cardigan-2331da</loc><news:news><news:publication><news:name>Offensive News</news:name><news:language>en</news:language></news:publication><news:publication_date>2026-10-23T14:06:34.719Z</news:publication_date><news:title>AI Stock Boner Goes Limp, Oil Gets Hard, and Brits Won&apos;t Buy a Fucking Cardigan</news:title></news:news></url></urlset>